I think this is a fairly uncontroversial list, but you can let me know in the comments if you think otherwise.

1. Humans 

Obviously 

2. Pelicans

Is it personal? Yes. Is it justified? Yes.

Let me ask you something. How do you feel about swans? Be honest. That’s right. You don’t like them. Because they are horrid, vicious creatures. The word “nasty” has lost much of its meaning, partly because the incoming president of the United States uses it to describe most of the women he interacts with, but this word was really created for swans. 

Pelicans are like swans but with bigger beaks. 

I once thought they were harmless, cute even. A seaside curiosity that spends its days shoveling fish down its gullet.

Then I saw a pelican assault an Italian woman on a beach in Dakar. I believe she survived, but does anyone know for sure? 

The pelican had no reason to attack that woman. But I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was an isolated case, a one-off.

Then I was attacked by a pelican outside of a welding workshop in the village of Kafountine. Again, unprovoked. I mean, I looked the pelican in the eyes from a distance of over 10 meters. Is that a provocation?

Growing up, a friend’s basenji was like that. His name was Rudy. You couldn’t look him in the eyes. If Rudy had a beak like a pelican, I wouldn’t be alive to write this.

I was able to take refuge in the welding workshop before the pelican was able to have his way with me, but I still live with the PTSD from that encounter.

At the end of 2023, I came face to face with a human sized pelican statue at a friend’s garden Christmas party. I was terrified but I convinced myself to face my fears. I poured out some libations and asked the universe for a pelican truce. It worked for about 3 weeks, at which point a flock of pelicans seemingly tried to attack me from the air while I was riding a scooter in the Sine-Saloum delta.

The thing is, it’s not just me (and the Italian woman). More and more people are starting to talk about it (I assume the person that filmed that is no longer with us).

I would love to make peace with these birds. If you have any ideas, I am all ears. I live only a couple kilometers from something called “Pelican Island” here in Senegal, so this may actually be a matter of life and death for me.

3. Mosquitos 

Obviously 

4. Orcas

Trying to keep up with all the diabolical shit orcas get up to will make your head spin. I had just finished reading about how orcas have figured out how to kill whale sharks – yes, those docile, gentle giants of the sea – when I stumbled across an article talking about them wearing salmon carcasses on their heads, which is apparently an orca “trend” that is now back in fashion.

An orca will risk beaching itself in order to snag a baby seal. Because it’s starving? No, because orcas love to torture baby seals. It’s their favorite pastime. Did I mention they practice infanticide?

These are just the things we can see! Imagine what they get up to under the water when we’re not looking. And that’s really the only bright spot, that these motherfuckers don’t live on land.

5. Monkeys and some apes* 

I’m not going to get too stressed about something small, like a marmoset, but even a capuchin will put me on edge. I don’t trust them. After humans, monkeys (and some apes), are the shiftiest creatures in the animal kingdom. This makes sense. We’re all primates, and the combination of nucleotides responsible for shiftiness was sprinkled liberally around primate genetics.

Of course, some primates were spared. Lemurs are straight shooters. And despite looking like gremlins – and being able to swivel their head 180 degrees, see at night, and leap up to 5 meters – tarsiers are not trading in deception.

Baboons, though? Chimpanzees? Even when they are trapped behind glass at a zoo, I feel like I’m caught in a mind game. Are they my friend? Are they making fun of me? Are they going to snap my legs in half?

Bears are potentially dangerous animals, but at least I know where bears stand. A bear might try to eat me because it’s hungry. A chimpanzee might try to humiliate me before it rips my face off for fun.

*Bonobos are cool. And orangutans. And some gorillas. 

Do you agree with this list? Anything to add?

This is my second post of 2025. In my first post I mentioned a few goals for this year. One of them was posting every week. Consider this a request for increased accountability on your part. I have written 26 postcards this month, though.